Hello Reader,
Many professionals struggle with a leadership pattern characterized by control, micromanagement, and difficulty delegating. If you find yourself checking in constantly on projects you've assigned to others or feeling uncomfortable unless you're involved in every decision, you may be operating from an anxious attachment pattern in your leadership.
Children with anxious attachment behaved anxiously when studied in attachment research. When they entered a new room, they became anxious and clingy to their caregiver. They did not explore the new toys or the room. When their caregiver left, they became extremely distressed. When they returned, they clung to their caregiver and could not be soothed.
Their model of the world was one in which they didn't feel a baseline of safety. Anxiety was their default state, not safety. They were afraid of being abandoned and preoccupied about what their caregiver was doing. Once they became upset, it was difficult for them to be soothed. This style is referred to as anxious or preoccupied attachment.
As a business leader with anxious attachment tendencies, you might:
- Find it difficult to delegate important tasks
- Frequently check in on projects you've assigned to others
- Struggle to trust your team's judgment or capabilities
- Make decisions based on fear rather than strategy
- Experience burnout from carrying too much responsibility
This leadership style develops from early experiences where care and attention were inconsistent. As children, those with anxious attachment learned to be hypervigilant and work hard to maintain connection. The lack of a sense of safety made them preoccupied about their caregivers, making it difficult for them to explore and develop as they were always worried about being left alone.
In the business world, this can manifest as a leadership style where you're constantly worried about what might go wrong:unable to step back and let others take ownership because you fear the consequences of not being in control.
One of the most powerful models for understanding this pattern is Internal Family Systems (IFS). In IFS, these controlling behaviors often come from a part that's trying to protect you from perceived danger. This "controller" part believes that if you let go even a little, everything will fall apart. It's trying to keep you safe, but in the process, it's creating exhaustion and limiting your business's growth potential.
Here are three practices that can help shift your leadership toward a more secure style:
1. The Fear-Setting Exercise
This powerful mental tool, popularized by Tim Ferriss, is designed to help people confront and overcome fear-based decision paralysis. Unlike goal setting, which focuses on what you want to achieve, fear-setting helps you systematically break down the fears holding you back so you can make clearer, more rational choices.
Step 1: Define Your Fears Write down the worst-case scenarios that could happen if you delegate more. Be specific. For example:
- "The project will fail completely."
- "My team member will make mistakes that damage our reputation."
- "I'll appear incompetent for not catching problems."
Step 2: Prevent & Repair For each fear, answer:
- How can I prevent this from happening? (Example: "I can create checkpoints for review without micromanaging.")
- If the worst happens, how can I repair the damage? (Example: "We can learn from mistakes and improve our processes.")
Step 3: The Cost of Inaction Consider the consequences of maintaining tight control:
- What will it cost your business growth?
- What will it cost your team's development?
- What will it cost your health and well-being?
This exercise reveals that most fears are preventable, reversible, or not as catastrophic as they seem: giving you the confidence to loosen your grip.
2. Mindful Awareness of Control Patterns
Mindfulness involves deliberate, non-judgmental awareness of what is arising in the present moment. For attachment healing, we use mindfulness to become more aware of how our attachment patterns show up in daily leadership.
Practice checking in with yourself when you feel the urge to take over or check up on someone's work:
- What sensations am I feeling in my body right now? (Tightness in chest, shallow breathing, etc.)
- What thoughts are running through my mind? ("They'll mess this up," "I need to fix this," etc.)
- What emotions am I experiencing? (Anxiety, fear, irritation)
- By recognizing these patterns without judgment, you create space to choose a different response.
3. Gradual Delegation Experiments
Start with small, low-risk delegation experiments. Assign a project completely to a team member, with clear outcomes but flexible methods. Then, commit to not checking in until an agreed-upon date.
Notice the anxiety this creates and practice sitting with it rather than acting on it. Over time, expand the scope and importance of what you delegate.
Remember that shifting from anxious to secure leadership is not about becoming a hands-off leader. It's about making conscious choices about when to be involved based on what the business needs, rather than what your attachment system demands.
To your success,
Bill